That's being fatuous of course, the much talked about sex scenes make up but a tiny piece of the game. If you hunt for smut, you will find it, but what we actually have here is a sprawling RPG where hack and slash combat, wandering and exploration takes up the lion's share of gameplay time. What Polish developer CD Projekt Red (henceforth CDPR) have achieved with their graphics engine brings the joyful experience to life in a singular way. Gamertroll can honestly say that he has never seen woodland in an open world game portrayed so convincingly.
The accompanying soundtrack is also worthy of note for it's production quality and unique
vocals. There's always a pleasant ambient soundtrack playing when charting rural regions which changes pace once you gain entrance to the towns. Numerous bards, local performances and sympathetically composed lute music plucks away in populous areas and cutscenes with nicely varied and contextual combat music rounding off an accomplished audio package.
made by Anita Sarkeesian and members of her organisation Feminist Frequency. Counter to those views, Gamertroll has observed nothing to get in a twist about here beyond the standard damsel tropes or the odd character with a top cut so low her areolas are visible when she turns. Pretty standard stuff really. There's even equality of sorts: As mentioned previously, the screen lingers over Geralt's arse as much as those of each of his conquest's in the sex scenes. CDPR would have to have done a lot worse to get justifiably noticed above the usual white noise of video game sexism. There is very little of the clumsy chauvinism found in the first Witcher game: like the infamous inclusion of bonus Gwent cards awarded for nailing female characters in the no pants dance. Sure, that was funny, but poorly advised. The point being, that The Witcher series has come on in spades since then. Gamertroll has noticed Feminist frequency comments betray an unfamiliarity with this title, compounding the suspicion none of them actually bothered to play it properly. If they had, they'd know The Witcher 3 isn't a suitable vehicle for their agenda.
human populace. They are exclusively Caucasians. Not one of a cast of thousands is a person of colour. Nobody out in the Gaming community is losing any sleep over it and it is not offensive, but merely odd once you notice. After asking around and really thinking on it, Gamertroll has a vague idea that Andrzej Sapkowski might have always intended to write about the theme of racial inequality, but only under the safe and innocuous guise of the Elves, Dwarves and halflings. These fantasy races get short shrift in The Witcher and there are even storylines featuring racially motivated murders and their repercussions. Just a theory.
bring the house down but I'll point them out, cause it would be a lie to say it's all prime cut. What kind of review would this be if Gamertroll didn't tell you about the gristle and chewy bits? There'll be more on the good later, but here's some of the stuff that rubs:-
It's all a bit 'sloppy Joe' but forgiveable, whereas the swimming controls most certainly are
not. They are a clusterfuck. Should you chance your arm to check out that submerged chest or just escape with breath to spare? Any gamer worth their salt will always try to loot that chest and for that, The Witcher 3 will slap you in the tits time and again. Either Geralt will plunge in the wrong direction and get stuck or swim right up to the shallows but inexplicably fail to surface and you'll start to drown by inches. It's no advance over Tomb Raider's cacky swimming mechanic of 20yrs ago. Then, that sort of thing was passable: now it's analogous to cold, snotty porridge nobody should have to gulp down.
That's not to say that combat is no fun at all, because it can be tremendous fun once you have command of a few bombs and Witcher signs. These extra attacks help punctuate and control fights in a satisfying manner while the addition of special items like crossbows also serve to spice thing up.
take it from a Brit, the variety of British regional dialects found in the game are hilariously accurate. Gamertroll just knew the Witches of Crook back Bog would have Welsh, Barry Island accents before he even caught up with them in the flesh! It's amusing to think how thick British accents fit a medieval fantasy game like this so well. It's an all the more impressive localisation effort considering the author of the source material, Andrzej Sapkowski is Polish.
This quality of scriptwriting and delivery even makes Geralt's aforementioned silly Batman voice somehow work in practice when it should have rendered him a farce. Some of the dialogue is priceless in fact. Those looking to play the game in front of their kids should be warned however, the authenticity of the contempory British dialects extends to the kind of liberal swearing you'd expect. Peasant's will often welcome Geralt "to our shit hole". It's common to be called a freak, a prick or a twat and fans of profanity will no doubt celebrate the proliferate use of the 'C bomb'. Even the little tykes swear at Geralt in this game!
In a brief departure from the wild praise, sadly, most of the world's extras have repetitive grunts or only a single line of communication no matter how many times
|The staring contest went on for 9 hours straight|
|There are some pretty original creatures to discover|
|Geralt often seems sorry to dispatch his contracts|
Gamertroll regrets to inform all and sundry that his time spent with The Witcher 3 has been plagued with coding bugs and glitches. Mercifully they manifest in most cases as stupid graphical and audio glitches like floating heads and body parts, frozen mid-air corpses, scenery and characters clipping into one other, body-popping and twerking horses, horse-less riders, horses 50ft up in the air, invisible NPCs, disappearing cows,
|Man walks into a bar. Literally.|
unretryable quests have been permanently failed on Gamertroll's first playthrough, the first because a pack of wandering wolves started to attack Geralt before a cutscene had ended and the second mission just ended in failure for no apparent reason. The first bug is commonly experienced by others upon further investigation. Gamertroll by no means thinks these bugs should put players off buying the game but for heaven's sake, save, save, save, people!
is actually quite funny to return from being underground to see the game code undergo a meltdown whilst it works out whether it should be day or night outside: "4.30pm.. er.. er.. er.. er.. er.. that's day! Yes day! And is it raining? Yes, yes it is! Quick! Start the rain!"