Saturday, 21 March 2015


F is for..

Fetch-quests - Once a perfectly acceptable part of most video games, Over deployment of fetch-quests has nowadays become the sign of a lazy developer who has no idea how to creatively occupy players in their game. To make matters worse, Fetch-related game dialogue is universally so shitifyingly stale and boring that gamer brain death is a very real risk.  Go there, Get this, Bring it back and we'll do something with it. Then go search for three more, come back again and I'll upgrade your Gun/rocket pack/magic hat, etc etc. Not a problem mechanic when blended with other concepts but some Devs are blissfully unaware of this. Take Insomniac's recent fetch-fest 'Sunset Overdrive'.

Feminism - a growing movement in video gaming and it's leading figure is social feminist cultural speaker Anita Sarkeesian. It's no secret that gaming is a traditionally male-dominated pastime but in 2012 videogaming's Gamergate scandal exposed the true nature of the vicious and threatening misogyny Women can face when challenging the inner denizens of videogame culture and discussion. Whilst many gamers feel their hobby is being threatened in some way by this new feminist scrutiny, Gamertroll just sees it as the beginning of a necessary process. It won't result in the censure many fear, it's just a part of the medium's natural growth. As video gaming becomes ever more inclusive, it's important that everybody gets a fair say in discussions about it and in any case, the real battle feminists face is internet culture as a whole.

Flappy bird - Urg.. Flappy. Fuckin'. Bird. A Simplistic nothing game seemingly aimed at non - gamers that primarily infects smart devices. Steals what tiny aesthetic it has, directly from Super Mario games: namely the green pipes, backdrop and 'Cheepskipper' Flying fish. The single button gameplay requires timely tapping to flap and negotiate the cheep cheep 'bird' safely through the pipes. It's hard and crap. Has inspired a million more cynical knockoffs and is as popular as Chicken pox, but half as enjoyable. It is impossible to say anything else interesting about this game.

Fanboy - game slang for a brand-obsessed gamer. If they're honest, everybody has a gaming preference, but a fanboy (or fan girl, they exist) always takes it too far. Ever had a random stranger personally attack you on a gaming forum or related posts on social media? You just stepped in a Fanboy. The chances are that you expressed an opinion that offended their delicate sensibilities, such as reflecting negatively on a product vaguely related to the corporate dick they love sucking so much. Gamertroll has strong views on Fanboys, finding them to be as worthless as the tits on a boar hog. Almost universally illiterate, Fanboys ponce about the internet spreading nonsense, hurling personal abuse, blowing kisses at their favourite brand, and generally plaguing gaming forums and social sites like a cancer of stupid.
If I was in charge we'd snap their necks and push 'em all in a landfill... I guess that's why I shouldn't be in charge.
Not all fanboys are annoying however, some of them are dead.

Farming - Not to be confused with the altogether different occupation that often involves touching sheep and rubbing Rhubarb: In video game slang 'farming' describes the 'legit' activity of repeating parts of a game in order to stock-pile useful resources. Also see the more common but mindless act of grinding and the extreme, 'non- legit' practice of Cheesing.

Fifa - Fifa '94 was the first ever release for this annually updated football game which is dead-locked in a competition with itself to produce the worst box art ever seen. See EA Sports, if you can be arsed.

Flight simulators - As long as there's been been video games: there's been flight sims. By their very nature, the proud tradition of Flight sims has ever been the preserve of home computers. Games consoles occasionally get flying games that can have 'simmy' elements, but always in some cut-down, simplified guise tailored to provide quick thrills. The real flight sims are played on the PC and can involve a staggering array of extortionately priced 'Hotas' joysticks, control panels and multiple monitor set ups: all arranged carefully in mother's attic by 40 year old virgins. Sadly, flight sims ride drier than Sarah Palin's busted vagina, boasting as a result a limited audience of weirdos and trainspotters. Conversely, exciting Space flight sims like Elite: Dangerous and Star Citizen are doing much to sex-up this beardy genre right now, but don't expect to do them right on the cheap. 
Flight sims actually provide the silver bullet against any argument that games don't teach. Video games are capable of teaching skills of enormous consequence. Although most games embue us with morsels of subliminal knowledge: (and sometimes misconceptions) Flight sims are a rare example of a direct and quantifiable learning experience. Why else would Pilots train in simulators? How do you think those demented maniacs managed to hit both trade center towers on 9/11? According to western intelligence sources it was rudimentary training courses in a Cessna, coupled with obsessive target practice on Microsoft flight simulator 2000. (Microsoft delayed release of the 2002 edition to remove the twin towers). Proof indeed that whilst video games don't motivate evil acts, they can enable sick individuals to successfully execute them.

Fallout - Effectively the successor to 1988's Wasteland Interplay may have made the first Fallout games, but it took Bethesda's acquisition of the IP to make them Outstanding. Since Fallout 3 the series has become the undisputed king of the post apocalyptic RPG. Due to the inspired artistic direction and narrative Bethesda meticulously crafted into Fallout's locations, sifting through the rubble of an alternate, post nuclear 50's America is incredibly compelling and immersive. Not to mention terrifying and you'll never have eaten more disgusting shit in a video game. Fallout 4 is currently one of the most hotly anticipated games and yet Bethesda have yet to confirm they are even working on it.  

The Flood - Halo's zombie-like Biological horrors are more than an enemy, they are a walking extinction event. The grave threat the Flood presented originally lead the Forerunner race to build and fire the Halo rings destroying all sentient life in the galaxy, including themselves. They chose to 'genocide themselves' to avoid becoming Flood food. Heavy.

Futuristic/Fantasy sports games - Veteran gamers may recall seminal examples of these games like Speed ball and Cyberball which admirably attempted to spice up real world sports concepts. Perhaps due to the financial gamble these titles represent to publishers, these games are now all but extinct. You might see some movie tie-in Tron games from time to time and the rare, vaguely related, futuristic racer but this genre is currently flat-lining. That is, unless you count Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup.. Which you wouldn't: Because it's utter shite. 

Click for other available A-Z letters>>>> 


Gamertroll Loves video gaming so much that the temptation to do an especially sarcastic and cynical personal version of it's all-time A-Z has proved too much to resist. 

It could just be the most fun ever or equally the most backbreaking task taken on since King James suggested having the Bible translated into Swahili. Time will be the decider because it's happening!

Either way, this A-Z is a mammoth undertaking and to start with at least, each new letter tackled will only have a frame work to begin 'fleshing-out' as other entries come to mind.

The plan here is to present a comprehensive A-Z featuring the most significant Games, Video game lore and Characters, Industry figures, Game companies and associated cultural phenomenon; whilst slotting in amusing 'did you know'-style Video gaming trivia and links leading to relevant articles and Reviews found elsewhere on
Please feel free to point out, "Oi Gamertroll, you've missed a bit!"
If you want to add something you see missing or you simply can't believe that your favourite game isn't listed, post a comment below and Gamertroll will add it - with a credit should you so wish.

For example:
Command and Conquer - A.k.a. C+C, seminal entry into the top-down Real-Time-Strategy (RTS) genre. In the interest of censorship the German version of the game had tiny robots instead humans LOL! etc etc etc.
Shouted out by +Gamertroll dotUK

See? In that way you can attach your name to your favourite A-Z entry. Very much looking forward to your suggestions. (Please limit suggestions to Letters already published or Gamertroll's head might explode).

Note Gamertroll reserves the right to disregard entries not deemed relevant enough.

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