Sunday, 1 February 2015

VOLGARR THE VIKING: Gamertroll Review - Xbox One Exclusive

Roll up! ROLL UP! Boy O boy have we some action for you!

GENTLEMEN! have you ever wondered how enjoyable it would be to lay your naked bollock-sack out on a table and slam a paving brick down across them?
You DID?!

LADIES! Have YOU ever had the urge to run a Black and Decker Sander over your Clitoris but were too scared that it wouldn't be fun?
You damned tootin' you DID!

Well, if you own an Xbox One this is your lucky day folks, because there is a 2D side-scrolling slash'em up game now available on the XB Live market place that exactly simulates the entertainment you would get from horrifically mutilating your own genitalia with masonry and power tools.

Gamertroll is exaggerating of course. Enduring humiliating physical torture is infinitely preferable to playing Volgarr the Viking (VTV from here).

Volgarr also goes indoors.
VTV is a 2D side scrolling retro-styled slash'em up with platform elements. Well, that is to say, you can jump

This would usually be the bit where we'd discuss the innovative reworking of old retro gaming themes and clever twists on old gameplay mechanics. Usually. The reason Gamertroll can't write about such things is plain: VTV is new game made to be exactly like a shit old game that nobody remembers and was too hard. 

It's soooooo painfully shit that it even crashed to a black screen where all Gamertroll could hear was sword slash and jumping SFX when pressing buttons. How does a developer even
Black crash screen.
You won't need much luck to see it.
fuck up a game this basic? 

The 'Developer' in question, 'Crazy Viking Studios', would no doubt seek to tell us that their game's difficulty will put hair on our chests and that VTV serves as a tribute to the hardcore games of yesteryear. It's a tribute alright: to shit old game design gaffs. We shouldn't mourn the passing of such things, we should regularly visit the graveyard and stamp the earth down over their coffin.

Gamertroll realises that it may look like the content of this game has hardly been touched on in this Review, but there really is nothing more to say about it. Look at the screenshots - what you see really is what you get. That and a frustrating kick in the testicles every time you attempt to play it.

Watch out for that bee twatface!
Yay! I got the flaming sword - 50G apparently
To understand how such a staggeringly awful game could be waved under our noses in 2015, you have to examine the circumstances which allowed it to crawl out of the abortion bucket in the first place. Microsoft and Sony are locked in a schoolyard pissing contest, giving away games each month with their online subscription services. There's buckets of Bravado being hurled back and forth over the trenches, replete with plenty of wonky PR over-inflating the dollar value of the games being pushed out 'gratis'. The truth is that these are for the most part old games, games that if any good we should, in truth have already played. Whilst the Xbox 360 games and PS3 freebies are generally pretty good, The games offered For Xbox One and PS4 are at best mediocre and at worst toilet seat scrapings. This is because there is fuckall in the way of a serviceable back catalogue for the new machines. No 'classics' to be found here to dole out to subscribers.

A thrilling encounter with a poisonous plant
Even considering those slim pickings, there is no excuse for inflicting Volgarr the Viking on gamers. If Microsoft were that stuck for something to give away couldn't they have just given us a Nokia 310 emulator playing 'Snake' or sodding 'Minesweeper' off the Windows dash? Anything would be preferable to this muck. If you had invited guests to dinner only to discover the pantry was empty, any reasonable person would change plans or order takeout. Not so with Microsoft: when caught with an empty pantry they dig up some rotted cat turds from the garden, sprinkle some toenail clippings over the mess and serve it up for supper hoping nobody will notice. 

VTV was originally a kickstarter project which now complete costs 7.99GBP on XB live, Mercifully it isn't available on PSN yet, but if ever is expect the price to be more like 11.99GBP. Why anyone would play this instead of a real classic like Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts is quite beyond comprehension.

VTV wins the special Gamertroll award for being without question THE worst game ever given away on with an online gaming subscription. Microsoft should hang their collective heads in shame because it is only taking the title from yet another of XB live's previous 'Gift' games - Halo: Spartan Assault.

The marketing blurb for the game states, "Step into the arena with Volgarr the Viking. We dare you".

Gamertroll DOUBLE dares you!


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