GENTLEMEN! have you ever wondered how enjoyable it would be to lay your naked bollock-sack out on a table and slam a paving brick down across them?
LADIES! Have YOU ever had the urge to run a Black and Decker Sander over your Clitoris but were too scared that it wouldn't be fun?
You damned tootin' you DID!
|Volgarr also goes indoors.|
This would usually be the bit where we'd discuss the innovative reworking of old retro gaming themes and clever twists on old gameplay mechanics. Usually. The reason Gamertroll can't write about such things is plain: VTV is new game made to be exactly like a shit old game that nobody remembers and was too hard.
It's soooooo painfully shit that it even crashed to a black screen where all Gamertroll could hear was sword slash and jumping SFX when pressing buttons. How does a developer even
|Black crash screen.|
You won't need much luck to see it.
The 'Developer' in question, 'Crazy Viking Studios', would no doubt seek to tell us that their game's difficulty will put hair on our chests and that VTV serves as a tribute to the hardcore games of yesteryear. It's a tribute alright: to shit old game design gaffs. We shouldn't mourn the passing of such things, we should regularly visit the graveyard and stamp the earth down over their coffin.
|Watch out for that bee twatface!|
|Yay! I got the flaming sword - 50G apparently|
|A thrilling encounter with a poisonous plant|
VTV wins the special Gamertroll award for being without question THE worst game ever given away on with an online gaming subscription. Microsoft should hang their collective heads in shame because it is only taking the title from yet another of XB live's previous 'Gift' games - Halo: Spartan Assault.
The marketing blurb for the game states, "Step into the arena with Volgarr the Viking. We dare you".
Gamertroll DOUBLE dares you!