Wednesday, 20 August 2014

HALO SPARTAN ASSAULT - Gamer Troll review. Xbox 360, Xbox One


Do you know how annoying it is to be playing a game that you suddenly realise is never going to be any good and at that precise moment somebody strolls in and catches you whilst you still playing it?


I had already made the decision to pull the plug on this putrid game when Mrs Troll waltzes up and says, 'Why are you playing that?'

To which I could only shrug in defeat.
'Well, it looks rubb
ish,' she says before bustling off.
You have to understand that Mrs Troll shares my affection for the magnificent Halo games, she's played every campaign right through. More than once. Was she fooled for even a second though? Not a bit of it. 
It all seems faintly ridiculous to even attempt to describe the game itself, it feels like more effort than the developer invested to squirt it out. Nevertheless I feel it is my duty and In all honesty who am I kidding? You know I love it.

You will doubtless have seen it all before and done much better. A single player or co-op, top down, scrolling shooter with protagonists so small you constantly feel like your sitting the wrong distance from your telly. Loads of seemingly random little fireworks and improbably coloured explosions are served up to distract the player from the fact that they can hardly make out the details of what is actually happening. For some reason they have tried to implement elements from the proper, fully fledged Halo games with features like finite ammo and having to scavenge for dropped enemy weapons. As a result, it makes a simple, old fashioned game pointlessly fussy and annoying.

This is NOT a Halo game, Mrs Troll knew it and you should know it too.
Even given away on a Gold Xbox Live subscription it leaves me feeling like I've been swizzed.

Graphically, it would be disappointing if I was playing it on the 360, so It really should have no place on the XboxOne at all, Microsoft must have been in a rush to produce some games to give away free in time for E3. 


Although the environments are static but nicely textured fare, this is 'retro shooter style' with none of the retro game appeal. Be warned, this is not a case of developers saying, 'Wouldn't it be cool to do a retro look?'.
This is simply a case of,'Wouldn't it be easier to bodge out this steaming bucket of cynical swill if we just did it top down, retro style?'.

If Gamertroll's memory serves, this odd, haggis of a game first bobbed to the surface on windows phones - yep, a crap mobile game. That explains the pisspoor visual heritage and detestable implementation of 'micro transactions'. HSA is so bloody awful you have to PAY for the guns, poxy guns you can hardly even see if you squint and then *get this* they are used up during a level and you are expected to cough up AGAIN! WITH YOUR REAL MONEY just to use the same old toss. Thank the Trollmother all proper games are not like this yet. If the day ever comes that they are - I shall kill everyone in the whole world with my Troll farts.


It's all so dull and repetitious I'm hard pushed to find anything funny to say about it. If I had to either play Halo Spartan assault or French kiss a skunk - I'd play Spartan assault, but not without some soul-searching.

If you want to prepare yourself for the level of entertainment HSA provides - I humbly suggest you take up the Troll hobby of visiting the drops and hand sifting peanuts from other people's shite. Even speaking as a Troll It's a pastime I've never felt enamoured to indulge in.

Perhaps some mucky-handed peanut pervert somewhere will like this game, but I doubt it. My advice is don't clutter up your Harddrive, steer well clear.

I give Halo Spartan assault a 'can't even be arsed to mark it out of ten', out of ten.


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